Before My Creator


I found this little picture of my 18 month old Ellie as I was uploading pictures tonight. Not the most becoming image ever but what I immediately saw in the image was this: I SAW ME BEFORE MY CREATOR.

“Why God?”

“It’s not fair God!”

“You’re hurting me God! STOP!”

Railing against God is often what I do best. By not fully trusting or accepting His plan, by not embracing the life He has given me and the thorns particular to my Christian walk, I look no different than a child who is fully and absolutely engrossed in his or her own plan. Yet unconscious they are not the center of the universe.

Yes, we all will come under trials of many kinds where our faith will be tested. I have come face to face with this reality as I realize my depression often stems from issues I would rather not face because it may hurt. Acceptance and forgiveness must be realized. Forgiving is rarely fun but the only alternative is bitterness and bitterness kills the soul, robbing it of joy.

Then I look at the bible and at Job, a man who lost all his children and all his possessions. A man who, in our eyes, might have had every right to question God with a whole-hearted vehemence…a man who at the very least should have immediately fallen into the worst state of depression. But we are told in Job 1 that his quick response to the tragedy dealt him was:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.”

Many try to dismantle Job’s fixed, unwavering faith in God’s plan. His reply is:

“Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”

Job had a faith that leaves me in awe and wonderment.

Studying pictures of my father holding two of his granddaughters, I contrasted them against the picture of a railing Ellie and was also reminded of how tender my creator is despite my foolishness. I saw my father’s face tender, his arms strong, holding them close, his hands large beside their small…it reminded me of how God holds us.

Though I often look like an 18 month old, face embittered, finger pointed, God holds me and He forgives me time and time again for my lack of faith. He knows how weak I am and patiently gives me grace to grow, to come to a place of greater trust with out once looking at me with disdain or letting go of me.

Before me, I am many ugly things but before my creator, I am fully equipped to live this life in His grasp, for His glory because He has redeemed me from the pit of doubt and despair!


“For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, “do not fear; I will help you.”
- Isaiah 41:13

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8 Responses to Before My Creator

  1. Anonymous says:

    You're so right.I feel such a fraud! I have nothing (really) to be depressed about and so much to be thankful for. And yet that knot in the stomach remains and the tears behind the eyes ready to start gushing again any minute!What to do…

  2. Grace says:

    Susanna,another lovely post! Love those babies in dad's arms and love the comparison you made.

  3. Jana says:

    great post Susanna. Good to be reminded of God's forever faithfulness, in spite of our constant lack of faith.

  4. babiesforRuby says:

    Love it. Thanks again Susanna

  5. Daniel says:

    I just wanted you to know that I think it's very admirable of you to be so open like you have been about your struggle. Just looking at the number of comments (before even reading through them) on your initial post on the subject was an indication of how many people you have that love you and are here for you (including Miriam and I, if we can be of any help). I hope that the outpouring of support and empathy from all these readers has helped.I used to struggle mightily with very bad bouts of depression in high school/early college. To this day I don't know why, but after a relatively minor one that lasted a couple months in 2008, I haven't experienced it since. I'm sure that God's blessing of such a wonderful woman in my life helped, but ultimately I think the key for me was HOPE. I was, and still am, encouraged by passages like Romans 5:1-5, Romans 8:18-24, and Galatians 5:1-6. Even if you just scan Paul's letters, hope is one of, if not the predominant theme of his message. I don't know if that will help at all, but at the very least I just wanted to say I admire you for being so open and transparent.

  6. Jody says:

    Love this post. I just finished teaching a Sunday School class on JOB and blogged about it most weeks, under the heading Studies in Job on my blog. Appreciate your transparency too.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Great post, illustrative photos, and comparisons. Mom

  8. Anonymous says:

    I know from bitter experience that bitterness is an awful indulgence. I think that bitterness is the inevitable outcome of doubt, doubting that God is who he says he is and does what he says that he will do.Nice photo of the "old" man and the little ones'Dad

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