I found this little picture of my 18 month old Ellie as I was uploading pictures tonight. Not the most becoming image ever but what I immediately saw in the image was this: I SAW ME BEFORE MY CREATOR.
“It’s not fair God!”
“You’re hurting me God! STOP!”
Railing against God is often what I do best. By not fully trusting or accepting His plan, by not embracing the life He has given me and the thorns particular to my Christian walk, I look no different than a child who is fully and absolutely engrossed in his or her own plan. Yet unconscious they are not the center of the universe.
Yes, we all will come under trials of many kinds where our faith will be tested. I have come face to face with this reality as I realize my depression often stems from issues I would rather not face because it may hurt. Acceptance and forgiveness must be realized. Forgiving is rarely fun but the only alternative is bitterness and bitterness kills the soul, robbing it of joy.
Then I look at the bible and at Job, a man who lost all his children and all his possessions. A man who, in our eyes, might have had every right to question God with a whole-hearted vehemence…a man who at the very least should have immediately fallen into the worst state of depression. But we are told in Job 1 that his quick response to the tragedy dealt him was:
Though I often look like an 18 month old, face embittered, finger pointed, God holds me and He forgives me time and time again for my lack of faith. He knows how weak I am and patiently gives me grace to grow, to come to a place of greater trust with out once looking at me with disdain or letting go of me.
Before me, I am many ugly things but before my creator, I am fully equipped to live this life in His grasp, for His glory because He has redeemed me from the pit of doubt and despair!