Conforming to His Plans

(above) last few moments in the hospital before going home last Thursday

A moment the other night helped me realize one of the lessons I think God has been teaching me in this difficult time with Amelia:  He wants me to live in the moment and face even the most difficult times in life with trust and resolve.  Sometimes in life you must embrace what is because there is no other option besides escapism, denial, bitterness or the like.

Anyways, here was the moment…I was walking to Barnes and Nobles, alone for a few hours after the kids had gone to bed and Rick was more than willing to give Amelia her evening feeding.  Out of habit, I reached into my purse and pulled out my mp3 player, thinking I would listen to some music for fun since I could.  But something interesting happened…after turning the music on, I immediately felt agitated.   I suddenly did not want to listen to the music anymore, even though it was one of my favorite albums, “Come Weary Saints.”  I had this intense desire to feel the night air, hear the noises around me, and feel like less of a zombie moving through the streets.  I wanted to face what was around me instead of avoiding it.

Through these weeks of worrying about Amelia’s well being and weight gain, feeling much uncertainty and spending our Christmas holiday in the hospital caring for her, I have come face to face in a new way with real life in all it’s black and whiteness and it has been an interesting encounter.  It really is true that when you stop kicking and screaming and accept what is, when escape is simply not an option and acceptance is the only Christian response, God does amazing things.  He shows Himself to be so incredibly BIG…so much bigger than any mire we can ever find ourselves in!

It was bleak to be in the hospital for the week but the well being of our daughter was worth every second.  And in the midst of what is, if I accept what is and embrace what is and in this situation, trust that God is working all things for good  and for His purposes with Amelia, than I will be more conformed to His plan. I will know more peace and joy despite circumstances and unknowns.

(above) The machine that sends formula into the feeding tube…

I have a prayer request dear readers…please pray Amelia will keep gaining weight and stop throwing up her feedings as has been happening the last few days since she has been sick with a stomach bug.

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12 Responses to Conforming to His Plans

  1. Laura Butera says:

    My name Laura Butera, I am a friend/neighbor of Maryanne. Reading her blog led me to you. :-) My son Sam was tube dependent for 13 months (birth to 13 months). In Sam’s case it was related to other health issues, but I truly understand both the blessing and the curse of the tube. If you have any questions please feel free to email me. I would be happy to listen to venting and ranting, too. :-) Learning to regulate the pump, change settings as needed, and changing the tube became all too familiar for us. I will be praying for dear Amelia and all of you.
    Thinking of you,
    P.S. Sometimes when Sam had an upset tummy I would slow the pump way down to help him keep his food down. Good luck!

  2. Brenda says:

    One moment at a time. Glad you could get out to clear your head–it is part of life’s survival strategies. Much strength to all of you!

  3. Susanna says:

    Thank you ladies and Laura, I am so thankful you have gotten in touch with me because I could sure use some imput about how to best use the pump, etc! And how to get Amelia to eat solids again…she’s always full from the tube feedings!

    Thanks again and I appreciate all the support we have gotten SO much!

  4. Grace says:

    Amazed to hear what you have learned. You have handled all of this with such an amazing spirit…you really have. I’m proud of you. Amelia is looking so healthy!

  5. Adrienne says:

    Wow. You amaze me, Susanna. It is so encouraging to see how well you have handled this situation. I think about you guys every day and keep you in my prayers. Amelia is looking healthy! She has definitely plumped up over the past couple weeks. Hang in there friend!

  6. Our thoughts and prayers are with you all!

  7. Christy says:

    Praying for you guys!!

  8. bchallies says:

    So glad – but not surprised!!!- that our faithful God is showing you so much…

  9. Andria Lopez says:

    This is a sweet reminder for all of us, Susanna. Thank you for sharing your heart. Amelia is adorable and it is an honor to lift her up in prayer before our Heavenly father, her awesome creator.

  10. I didn’t realize you had posted today. Please take Laura up on her knowledge! I can ask her any questions in person too…anything that might help.

    Love and support!

  11. Susanna and Rick, you are always in my thoughts. I love you guys tremendously and I hope that things get better. You have remained very optimistic considering everything and you are a couple that serve as a real example of how your perspective on a not-so-great situation can make all the difference in getting through that experience. You are now stronger as a couple, as individuals and as a family as a result of Amelia.

  12. jchallies says:

    Amelia looks like a porcelain doll in a couple of those photographs.

    Those are very hard lessons to learn. Only God’s grace could bring good out of the devastation of a fallen world.


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