(above) last few moments in the hospital before going home last Thursday
A moment the other night helped me realize one of the lessons I think God has been teaching me in this difficult time with Amelia: He wants me to live in the moment and face even the most difficult times in life with trust and resolve. Sometimes in life you must embrace what is because there is no other option besides escapism, denial, bitterness or the like.
Anyways, here was the moment…I was walking to Barnes and Nobles, alone for a few hours after the kids had gone to bed and Rick was more than willing to give Amelia her evening feeding. Out of habit, I reached into my purse and pulled out my mp3 player, thinking I would listen to some music for fun since I could. But something interesting happened…after turning the music on, I immediately felt agitated. I suddenly did not want to listen to the music anymore, even though it was one of my favorite albums, “Come Weary Saints.” I had this intense desire to feel the night air, hear the noises around me, and feel like less of a zombie moving through the streets. I wanted to face what was around me instead of avoiding it.
Through these weeks of worrying about Amelia’s well being and weight gain, feeling much uncertainty and spending our Christmas holiday in the hospital caring for her, I have come face to face in a new way with real life in all it’s black and whiteness and it has been an interesting encounter. It really is true that when you stop kicking and screaming and accept what is, when escape is simply not an option and acceptance is the only Christian response, God does amazing things. He shows Himself to be so incredibly BIG…so much bigger than any mire we can ever find ourselves in!
It was bleak to be in the hospital for the week but the well being of our daughter was worth every second. And in the midst of what is, if I accept what is and embrace what is and in this situation, trust that God is working all things for good and for His purposes with Amelia, than I will be more conformed to His plan. I will know more peace and joy despite circumstances and unknowns.
I have a prayer request dear readers…please pray Amelia will keep gaining weight and stop throwing up her feedings as has been happening the last few days since she has been sick with a stomach bug.